12/30/03 untitled

Tuesday, December 30, 2003

Well, getting ready to usher out another year and welcome in a new one. Time seems to speed by, not exactly sure why. It seems as if it were yesterday they were getting us geared up for Y2K and now here it is, soon to be 2004. I have no resolutions for the new year, just get through it one day at a time, just like the old ones. :o)

I need to make some hard decisions regarding S that I have been putting off. The old procrastinator rears her ugly head. It appears that Martha, the home where she had been living for the past 7 years is not that eager to bring her back to her home. S and I will need to have a talk, and figure out what she wants and what is best. I dread this conversation. Martha did finally go visit S on Monday, after I shamed her by telling her sister that maybe I needed to pay her to go visit. It has been a month now since the fire and things are still up in the air. I will need to talk to the MSW at the home and begin looking into finances, converting what S has left after bills, and see where we stand. Hoping this all comes together soon. Enough for now. Looking forward to what 2004 will bring my way.

lab2401 at 8:43:00 PM EST Link to this entry

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12/26/03 day after

Friday, December 26, 2003

day after

<>

Well, never thought I would make it, but I got through Christmas without too many lasting scars. The kids all had a ball. There's nothing like a home filled with a six year old, 2 four year olds, a 22 month old, and an 18 month old. All of them on a sugar high, filled with absolute expectation of the perfect toy, and the look of total indifference with the occasional piece of wearing apparel thrown in by a well meaning Great Auntie.

I was hoping that the AOL gremlins had been tamed, but sadly it is not the case. I can ocassionally post or edit by way of AOL, but more times than not, am unable and have to use the round about way of IE. Still keeping my fingers crossed though.

lab2401 at 9:01:00 AM EST Link to this entry

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There's nothing like kids at Christmas. Glad you had a good one.
Comment from karensull12 - 12/28/03 4:20 PM

12/23/03 Getting in the Christmas spirit

Tuesday, December 23, 2003

Getting in the Christmas spirit

It's beginning to feel more like Christmas... bout time! Hopefully this will post. Keeping my fingers and toes crossed :o)

I can't believe it. It really took the post. So now I am trying to add more text in edit and see if it will add/save it. Could it be that Santa has worked his magic on the AOL gremlins?

Today has been a day for remembrance for me, of loved ones who are no longer physically with me. Bob's cousins wife Jan has been on my mind mostly this past week. Jan and I were the two outlaws who came into the family about the same time. She became a good friend to me, as much family as if we were blood related. Jan just left us last month at the age of 54. She had battled Lou Gehrigs disease about 3½ years. I am sad thinking of how she was when she passed. Lou Gehrigs is a nasty rotten disease, it locks a person in a body that cannot respond. The mind is clear, but entombed in that shell. I couldn't be with my family at her passing, and I wanted to offer them a note of comfort. I wrote and asked them to lean down and tell Jan that I love her, and that Bob would be right there waiting for her. But for her not to look for him in that wheelchair that he used in this world, for he no longer had need of that. That he would be standing there with his arm outstretched for her to walk beside him. They read my note to her and Jerry said she relaxed, and smiled slightly, and then about 10 or 15 mins later, drifted into a coma never to awaken from it.

It saddens me to know that she will not be celebrating Christmas with Jerry this year, and that he is making his way painfully down that grief road. It saddens me that her two girls will miss their mom in their lives, and will miss watching their children grow. Mostly, I miss my friend, Jan.

lab2401 at 10:03:00 PM EST Link to this entry

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This comment has more to do with you helping me out with the editing problem. THANK YOU! I was finally able to make changes to the layout of my journal. =)
Comment from fallinfaery05 - 12/25/03 10:24 PM

It doesn't feel like Christmas at all here,, just another night!
Comment from pinksparkle0022 - 12/24/03 3:48 PM

12/22/03 a hodgepodge kind of day

Monday, December 22, 2003

a hodgepodge kind of day

The picture is of my grand niece holding her kitty, Sassy. Some days I feel like Megan doing the holding, and others days like Sassy. Today was a mixture of the two.

The day started off good, hearing from an old friend I had met through the newsgroup, alt.support.grief. Tara had come to the group looking for advice in how to help her next door neighbor and friend who had come home to find her husband and 2 children murdered in their home. Tara epitomized to me what a true friend is, and made me remember that people like that do exist. Tara had found me this morning by way of looking at the journals and came across mine. She has a journal, and if you would like to check it out, you can go to Pull up a chair.

Before I could even get started with my coffee this morning, work was calling to see if I could fit in more visits with patients. They are hurting for coverage, but I have my hands full as it is. I am tired, and get little back from work when I try to help them out. It would be different if I thought that it was truly appreciated by them. I am one of their few per diem therapists, and they love me best when they get busy, but when it gets slower, they tend to forget I exist. It just doesn't encourage me to bend over backwards for them. I got done with work a little earlier than normal, and got home to rest a little before going to see S at the nursing home. She is much clearer tonight mentally.

After seeing S, I went by the mall (they are open to 11pm now here) and picked up a few things for my aunt and her friend. I was in Sears looking for tools, and I had such a overwhelming feeling of sadness and fatigue. I finished up and got myself home as quickly as I could before I broke down. If I'm not mistaken, I think I am done with buying gifts. Now I only have to get them wrapped and tagged?

lab2401 at 11:42:00 PM EST Link to this entry

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12/19/03 Round about way for posting

Friday, December 19, 2003

Round about way for posting

Hopeful

This is the round-a-bout way to add or edit my journal.

1) Launch Internet Explorer

2) Put www.aol.com in address bar.

3) Sign in, and once signed in, put the address for aol hometown in the address bar. [the page that lists your journals and web pages with aol. in my case it is http://hometown.aol.com/_dyn ]

4) Highlight your journal, and then click edit at the bottom

5) When your page comes up, you can edit old posts, or add new posts, etc. [At least that is what it says in the fine print!]

This worked for me this morning, and I am trying it again now. As of yet, my journal is not fixed so I can access and add/edit through AOL the normal way. Will post to the boards when it gets fixed.

lab2401 at 8:42:00 PM EST Link to this entry

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12/19/03 for those wondering about S

Friday, December 19, 2003

for those wondering about S

S is improving slowly. She continues to waver with her confusion and disorientation, but her health is better. She knows who I am, and she is afraid of what is happening to her. I try to get up to see her 5 or 6 nights a week, and she seems to bloom when I am there.

I am praying daily that I can spring her from the nursing home, and get her back with the family she was with prior to the fire. She had lived there over 7 years and that was home. I really question my decisions and second guess myself when it comes to what is best for her. At times I wish I had never taken on this responsibility, but then I think of S and what ever would have become of her if I had not done that. I only hope that if it ever comes down that I need that kind of help, that someone is there for me. I would recommend that they really think it through though, as the responsibilities are weighty.

lab2401 at 8:54:00 PM EST Link to this entry

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I read your entries and you are a writer from the heart.
Keep writing!
I'm so sorry about your husband!
Keep strong!
Visit my journal when you have time.

Mary Louise http://edit.journals.aol.com/mlrhjeh/WatchingMySisterDisappear
Comment from mlrhjeh - 12/21/03 9:17 AM

Sorry you're having so much trouble with your journal. I'd offer help if I had any, but I'm just not that computer savvy. I like your journal and hope all is well with you.
Comment from karensull12 - 12/21/03 12:24 AM

hey thanks for visiting my journal,, and I took your advice and posted my ultrasounds on the latest entry,, GOOD IDEA!!!!

Comment from pinksparkle0022 - 12/19/03 9:56 PM

12/16/03 there, but..

Tuesday, December 16, 2003

there, but..

I have recently (this past July) taken on a responsibility that I never anticipated would become that big of a deal. I have a friend, whom I first became acquainted with by way of giving her physical therapy. She was alone, living in a senior assisted living facility when we first met. My heart went out to her, as she had no family left, she had buried both husbands, and had buried her only child a son, in 1986.
When I first met S, it had only been 2-2½ years since Bob had died, and I related deeply to her situation. You know the old saying: "there, but for the grace of God, go I". I kept in touch with S, and began doing little things for her that needed to be done. Her eyesight was worsening to the point that she could barely write her name, and her hearing and mental acuity was rapidly declining.
I would do little things for her like writing out her bills, keeping her books, picking up little goodies from the stores, and making sure that her doctor appointments were being kept. She had asked me at the beginning of the summer if I would become her power of attorney/health care surrogate, as I was her trusted friend, and I was her only contact with the outside world. Without giving much thought to all of the responsibilities that go with this legal document, I agreed.
Needless to say, there have been issues since that signing: S's diminishing mental status, a fire at the home where she was living, ill health and hospitalization, and placement in a skilled nursing facility. I am overwhelmed at the decisions that are required of me, and at the depth of my emotions as I make these decisions.
Even though S had a living will, the issues that we faced were not addressed in that particular document, and I was being asked to make 'cut and dry' decisions on a legal level with an emotional attachment that surprised me. It has caused me to do some deep thinking about my own mortality, and the wishes that I would want to be carried out should those circumstances arise.


lab2401 at 10:49:00 AM EST Link to this entry

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I spend Alot of time reading other peoples journals,, it's like getting unspoken advice!! I like yours!!!
http://journals.aol.com/pinksparkle0022/ThoughtsOfA22YearOldGirl

Comment from pinksparkle0022 - 12/19/03 7:38 PM

12/14/03 some musings

Sunday, December 14, 2003

some musings

I made a decision for myself this year that there was nothing that anyone could possibly get me for Christmas that I needed, or if I wanted it bad enough that I wouldn't have already purchased it. I came up with the idea for myself that whoever had my name would buy for a needy child at my niece's elementary school, picking a name off the "Teddy Bear Tree". All of the adults in my family decided this was a good way to go. So the 50-60 dollars that was normally spent by each of us on each other, was spent on a needy child. (We usually would draw names among the adults and spend 50-60 dollars on each other.) As a family last night, we all went out to dinner and then went shopping for our "Teddy Bear" gifts. My parents and I had a family of 3 children. The 6 year old is in first grade at the school, and he has 2 brothers, one aged 2½, and one aged 1. We each spent our Christmas money on them buying them clothes, shoes, socks, a toy that they wanted, etc. We ended the evening at 1:30 am this morning at my nieces wrapping and tagging the gifts getting them ready to take to the school on Tuesday. I feel as if I got something accomplished yesterday! My Christmas season is finally here. I have so many things to be thankful for.

lab2401 at 12:01:00 PM EST Link to this entry

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You are a NICE gal. I know you don't know me from Jane Schmo, but I really mean that compliment.

And I'm truly sorry about your husband, but I guess if one is going to die (and we all are some day), doing so quickly and painlessly in a loved one's arms is the way to go.

Comment from andreakingme - 12/15/03 7:44 PM

What a beautiful "All About Me" that is and what a wonderful looking family! Enjoy your week - I've just created my blog here on AOL and happened upon yours.

*kiss*
Comment from shesadevilsangel - 12/15/03 2:06 PM

I like the idea of giving back to others when you know you have enough. That's what the season is all about. I love your decription of a lullaby. Wouldn't the world be a much nicer place if we all had our own private lullaby's to sooth our souls when needed. My journal is called Jukebox Woman.
Comment from karensull12 - 12/15/03 10:17 AM

what a beautiful family photo and how smart to color coordinate the branches of your family. You all look so happy, you are lucky.
Comment from kthdelta - 12/15/03 9:41 AM

12/11/03 Procrsatinate

Thursday, December 11, 2003

procrastinate

8:40am. PROCRASTINATE

Of course, I need to be thinking about getting out to work, and here I sit, playing on this computer and thinking about how to get started on this journal. I think of procrastination as an art form, which I have learned very well by the way. At times I am amazed at how long I can sit doing something so nonsensical as playing a game of Nabisco Mah-Jongg knowing that there is more pressing business that needs to be done, and really not feeling that bad that I'm not getting any of it done. If you look up the word, procrastinate (to put off action from time to time, to delay) you might see my picture there. I try to limit myself to procrastinating about only one thing at a time, but that is difficult at best. At times I procrastinate about procrastinating. Not sure if that makes sense or not, but... Christmas is only 14 days away now, and needless to say nothing on my end is even started. I have such grand plans at Thanksgiving, my head is full of good thoughts, but then good ole 'procrastinator' rears his ugly head and all those plans go down the drain. It's not like this is anything new, after all I am 53 years old and am a pro at this. Well, guess it is time to quit playing this game this morning and get to it.

PROCRASTINATORS UNITE!

Well, maybe we could play one more game and then unite??

lab2401 at 9:14:00 AM EST Link to this entry

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Move over, lab girl! I'm a splendiferous procrastinator also. Anyone who knows me knows this. I haven't even STARTED my Christmas shopping. Of course, I did just have knee surgery. It's a good excuse, don't you think?

Welcome to the AOL-J Community. I'm at http://journals.aol.com/andreakingme/Unhinged if you want to see my digs.

Comment from andreakingme - 12/15/03 7:42 PM

As I sit playing my pogo games, day after day I understand just what your saying. So very sad your husband, passing in your arms. I had the scare with my husband this past March, He was very lucky to catch, with Quad by pass surgry. It's hard to imagine how I'd get along without him....
Comment from bbeckyl - 12/15/03 4:09 PM

I have an entry in my journal titled, "I am the great procrastinator," so you do indeed have company in the procrastinating department. I always mean to do better tomorrow, but I neve, ever do...
Comment from karensull12 - 12/15/03 10:14 AM