1/1/04 all is well

Thursday, January 1, 2004

all is well

Here I am tonight, sitting here closing out the first day of the new year. I am thankful that the holidays are behind me finally. I am tired of putting on the front that all is well for the friends and family. I have been doing and saying all the right things at all the right times, but truthfully I am missing Bob, more than I possibly should. I miss his physical presence, our conversations and our easy silences. I miss his breathing beside me at night, and I miss his awakening me in the mornings. Most of all I miss knowing that he will be there when I reach out to touch him in the darkness. I guess there is no way around it, I miss my friend.

This grief work that I have been doing is the hardest job I have ever done. The numbness that surrounds you in the first year of grieving was such a blessing, but eventually you come to and realize that no amount of pretending will change the facts. Then you begin the actual job of grieving. There is only one problem ... by that time the friends and family are thinking that you should be back to "normal", only they don't realize that "normal" just doesn't exist any longer. You have to pull together what you can and create a new "normal" for yourself. That is where you learn the 'all is well' smile and conversations to ease the minds of those who love you. The holidays from Thanksgiving to New Years day are typically the hardest for me. I am surrounded by loved ones, but the one I want the most cannot be with me. I put on my smile, and pretend that all is well, waiting for Jan 2 to come, and relieve me of this burden.

I miss you Bob, my other half

lab2401 at 11:05:00 PM EST Link to this entry

This entry has 4 comments: (Add your own)

While reading this post, my eyes filled up with tears. I remember my early days in grief and your compassionate, caring responses to my questions about what was to come. You were right when you said it never really goes away. It's like the air where they once occupied the space is devoid of oxygen. Thinking of you Lynda. :) ~Tara
Comment from tlynn91 - 1/3/04 11:59 PM

Two things made me notice your journal. The first i have a daughter named Lynda, spelled the same way. Second you are a widow. I too was widowed from a heart attack. We were in the car and had a wreck. That was in 1987 and I was only 50. Things are better for me now as I have a companion but I could never forget of course. I wish you well in 2004. Paula
Comment from plieck30 - 1/3/04 12:07 AM

Lynda, I read your tribute to your husband and wanted to tell you how beautiful it was. I cannot imagine the depth of your sorrow and grief, but I do know that sometimes even a lifetime isn't enough time to get over a loss such as yours. Your poem is beautiful. Karen
Comment from karensull12 - 1/2/04 11:27 PM

I'm so sorry you're feeling sad. It must be incredibly hard during the holiday season. I am thinking of you.
Comment from karensull12 - 1/2/04 6:26 PM